I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
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The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
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I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.