Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.