I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest