So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
