At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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