So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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