Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
