I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick