Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.