You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
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and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
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He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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