I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
we're chasing vodka with high fives
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
