Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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