I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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