Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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