i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
