Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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