Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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