Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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