So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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