Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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