dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
