I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Randomize
