It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
True strength comes from lack of pants
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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