I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
