I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My dad is sitting where you rode me
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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