I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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