fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm getting married
To pizza
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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