I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
