I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
