White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
