i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
