got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
