My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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