I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
