He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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