Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
