You made me cry and you don't even care
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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