I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
