i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Just cropdusted the office
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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