dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Randomize
