If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You're like the curious george of whores
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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