why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
