Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
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He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
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I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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