i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's not a walk of shame if you run
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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