I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
