Texts From Last Night

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  (408): View more from California

  I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.

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  (408): I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level. http://tfl.nu/k6hr
  Replies (8) Good night (3521) Bad night (733)
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  (805): View more from California

  woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."

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  (805): woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream." http://tfl.nu/w9nn
  Replies (11) Good night (4615) Bad night (1112)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again

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  (412): I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again http://tfl.nu/0m8m
  Replies (14) Good night (1138) Bad night (4682)
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face

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  (561): I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face http://tfl.nu/knsv
  Replies (25) Good night (3664) Bad night (1976)
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.

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  (260): I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box. http://tfl.nu/twf4
  Replies (3) Good night (943) Bad night (2493)
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?

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  (307): WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT? http://tfl.nu/38wl
  Replies (11) Good night (921) Bad night (1900)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.

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  (412): He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far. http://tfl.nu/xxyj
  Replies (11) Good night (2565) Bad night (780)
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants

  (812): View more from Indiana

  That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.

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  (317): You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants (812): That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub. http://tfl.nu/6wmx
  Replies (2) Good night (1282) Bad night (575)
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  (585): View more from New York

  The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us

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  (585): The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us http://tfl.nu/diix
  Replies (1) Good night (1500) Bad night (427)
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  (863): View more from Florida

  If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.

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  (863): If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis. http://tfl.nu/mwio
  Replies (5) Good night (946) Bad night (418)
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!

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  (612): He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants! http://tfl.nu/fscl
  Replies (7) Good night (754) Bad night (441)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.

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  (410): I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling. http://tfl.nu/eba9
  Replies (3) Good night (478) Bad night (927)
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.

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  (407): I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan. http://tfl.nu/2edr
  Replies (14) Good night (993) Bad night (392)
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.

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  (440): I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over. http://tfl.nu/4owi
  Replies (5) Good night (707) Bad night (272)
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP

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  (201): AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP http://tfl.nu/stbt
  Replies (1) Good night (617) Bad night (139)

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