I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
