She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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