hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
