: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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