I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
