At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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