the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
