I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
