she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Bring me that man meat
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
