Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
