i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
