You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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