how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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