if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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