he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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