Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
